About 5 months ago, my friend’s 3 year-old daughter, Eisley, unexpectedly died in her sleep. There was no explanation of why she passed away; she was already gone when her parents checked on her in the morning. <-----This is a picture of Eisley.
This event was so shocking for me because it was such an unexpected loss & it forced me to think of my own mortality. Someone suggested that I read “On Death and Dying”, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. This book has been amazing and I think it gives a great perspective on life and death. I don’t mean for this post to be heavy and depressing; part of what makes life so beautiful is the fact that it has to end. Just like a wonderful piece of music or an event- it can’t go on forever. I would like to share some ideas from this book & see what you think.
- Death has always been distasteful to man and will probably always be. This is because in our unconscious, death is never possible in regard to ourselves.
- Western medicines have eradicated many illnesses, and doctors work less with acute life threatening situations & more on old people and long-term illnesses. Many of these people face isolation and loneliness but are never seen by a psychiatrist
- Part of what is so scary about death is how the process is now more lonely, mechanical, and dehumanized. Dying becomes lonely and impersonal because the patient is often taken out of his familiar environment and rushed to an emergency room.
- Five Stages of Grief (which btw, I followed exactly without realizing it when I found out about Eisley’s death) : Denial & Isolation ,Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
- A chance for peace may be found in studying the attitudes toward death in the leaders of nations, in those who make the final decisions of war and peace between nations. If all of us would make an all out effort to contemplate our own death, to deal with our anxieties surrounding the concept of our death, and to help others familiarize themselves with these thoughts, perhaps there could be less destructiveness around us.
Last year I watched my uncle take his last breath. He suffered through nearly 15 years of ALS. The body slowly wastes away while the mind maintains...for the most part. He was so emaciated at the end of his life that he was less than half his original weight/mass. He died in his home, with his wife next to him, with many family members around praying and wishing him peace and love. If only we all could be so lucky.
ReplyDeleteI didn't expect to be there when he died. Literally in the room, a few feet away from him as the color left his flesh. I needed a few days to regroup. I stayed home from work, sat in bed, stared at the wall...
In December, another uncle suffered a stroke, brought on by a hemorrhage in the brain stem. When I visited him, he was in a vegetative state:the right side of his body was limp, which the left side of his body unconsciously flailed. His left eye was open and moving around...I was unsure if there was consciousness or not. There was talk of pulling the plug if his condition sustained or worsened (which thankfully it has not, he's now on a very slow road to recovery).
I think it does a person good to actually see a death. For me, the fear is a painful prolonged death. Death itself is just another adventure. I imagine it's like the feeling of novacaine running through your gums. My 8th grade history teacher put it best, "I'd rather die swiftly."
Now if I'm bleeding in an upside down car wrecked...the pain all over my body, the sadness of the realization of death and the missed opportunities. The sweet numbness as my major organs fail and I lose consciousness wouldn't come soon enough it would seem. I'd rather if there was an explosion like in the movies to end it quickly.
There are moments where I have to stop what I'm doing and look at the sky. Death could come at any moment, and rather than fear it around every corner, you have to embrace its inevitability. I've stockpiled so many wonderful memories; every day is another gift of life.
If anything, I've learned that every little moment is worth remembering. Life is definitely too short to have the wrong priorities.
Hey Rita- great post. I admit that I've had a hard time responding to this one; death is perhaps the most personal of all subjects. I'll go ahead and admit, I'm frightened of death.
DeleteThere are primarily two things about death that scare me. The first and more important is wondering how I will have left my relationships with the people in my life. For example, the thought of going unexpectedly without being able to tell my family or Mark that I love them one last time (knowing that it is the last time), or having some terrible argument with someone and that's the last memory we have of each other. To me the thought of these is unbearable.
The other thought about death that scares me is the thought of not having made enough of an impact on the world around me. One is given an almost infinite amount of decisions to make in one's life, some of which one can only make once. How does one maximize their resources and talents to maximize the most of their short life? Everything is a balancing act and it's a constant struggle to decide whether or not you're making the right calls.
The rest of the whole death thing (the wondering about what comes after and all that) doesn't worry me much, at least not yet...
Your mention of our society's shortcoming on how our culture deals with death and our fear of it made me think of something that I thought was a positive thing in the midst of it all. In J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series, she creates a creature known as thestrals who are invisible to the wizard community except those who have seen death. It created a situation in the plot for the kids who have seen a person die to connect with each other and provided deeper understanding into schoolmates and friends.
ReplyDeleteI find the flaw in the systems that you pointed out extremely frustrating and have already begun thinking of ways we can change it. However, I also wanted to remember a children's author has made an interesting tip of the hat to the subject in an extremely effective and non-abrasive way that I appreciate. Great thoughts Rita!